his name would have been Quinn

today has been one of the worst days of my life.

my wife had what we thought would be a routine appointment with her OB/GYN today for our number 5(see previous post)
I did not go because our oldest had a big birthday party last night(she had 7 of her friends spend the night) so I stayed home and did not go with her. dear God I wish I had.

her appointment was at 8:15. . . she called me around 10:15 absolutely hysterical. . . she just kept saying “they can’t find a heartbeat…they can’t find a heartbeat” and sobbing. the doctors sent her for an ultrasound… they could see the baby… its little hands, feet, face…. but no heartbeat.

for the next half an hour, before she got home I went into protect mode. I gathered our 4 daughters, told them what was going on. we hugged, and cried. I told them to give mom big hugs when she got home. I called our parents, sisters, brothers, friends, and I went into her email and unsubscribed her “babymail” accounts. then was the waiting game.

about 11am my wife arrived home. I met her in the driveway. I have never seen her so sad. … and then it really hit me. it wasn’t a bad dream, it wasn’t a joke… this was real. we have lost our baby. tomorrow (tuesday) we have to go to the doctor so that they can dilate her, and then the baby will be removed on wednesday. . .

I have no idea how the next couple of days are going to go… what I do know, is that I have never felt like this before. it is a combination of pure sadness, rage, and being absolutely helpless. . . I mean, what the hell do we do now?

We love you Quinn. since the moment we knew you were on the way. I pray we can meet face to face someday in heaven.